and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
