Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
