capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
