i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
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