Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
