Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
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