I don't usually arrange sex via text message
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
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