life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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