I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
