Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
