update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...