Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
