found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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