I wish I could teleport
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
