were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
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but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
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So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize