I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
