matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Randomize
