dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
why does every cop we meet know your name?
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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