Your face is a jimmy john
My hand turned me down
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
