Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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