my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
