i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.