We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
21 Of The Most Regrettable Tattoo Ideas Ever
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
These 25 People Had Very Inappropriate Sexual Relations(hips)
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY