Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
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Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
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He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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