I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I wish you could order shots online.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
