he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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