i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
