i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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