You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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