Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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