Cold hands, warm shart.
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
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If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
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Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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