also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I think my fart just growled at me.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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