I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
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