Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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