do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
A bitchslap is in order.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
