how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
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Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
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I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
You dont lie about slip and slides
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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