did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
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