Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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