I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I have fence marks all over my body
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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