none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
