It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
