$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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