im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
