i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
