Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
He shit in the fireplace
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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