I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Im just a social blackout drinker.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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