I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
