I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
What did we do last night that was yellow?
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
