textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
In other news, I just burned my penis
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Randomize
