Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
