She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
