I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
