He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
