Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Randomize
