The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
