you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
