i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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