I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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