Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
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