I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
