hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
