marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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