Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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